When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance