I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
You Might Also Like
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself