The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Omg 🤣
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.