assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
podcasts
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.