[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Ron is short for Aaronald
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.