These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*