Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Fights fire with marshmallows
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.