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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.