Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.