Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Y’all know who you are.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.