I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
You Might Also Like
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.