“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
You Might Also Like
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.