A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
an octopus is just a wet spider
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
The answer is funnier than the question
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?