I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
You Might Also Like
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Welcome
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”