toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.