God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I don’t know what to do
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.