When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now