Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked