“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater