If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Whoa 😂
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
These are too funny not to post 😂
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??