Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos