I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no