Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Where’s my employee discount too?
THIS HEADLINE
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Oh, I bet you would be
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.