People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot