*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Bringing home a sharpie
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?