Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Oh thanks BBC.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.