Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast