Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
#parenting
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*