Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Effort made
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious