A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT