Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.