That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.