I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
no one ever comes back
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it