Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?