Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
no refunds
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Hot Hot Hot
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?