Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.