“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
They got Raph!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation