You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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#Caturday
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.