Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
brian had himself a morning…
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off