[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
He took my last fry, your honor