If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏