This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Sign at work today
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.