“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
You Might Also Like
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
me hooking up with my ex
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
😆this is so true
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.