Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining