Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.