Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You Might Also Like
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The news in a nutshell.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
goldfish mafia
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]