guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying