My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel