My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
That’s incredible! 👌
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Home #decor warning.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”