Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
You Might Also Like
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Ah..makes sense now
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.